my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
