I'm going to jail i love you
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
