i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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