just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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