Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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