...so i touched it.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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