I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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