i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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