My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
