I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
