While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize