Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
