Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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