had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
