so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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