I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
