No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
