your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
