oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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