dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
