Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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