Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
