i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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