READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
