Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
