so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
