Will you blow on my dice?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
