I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
