Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
