I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
