I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
