I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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