yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
