My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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