people are starting to question the shark bite story
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
