Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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