he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
