On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
