come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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