there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
