OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
