Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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