Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
