I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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