First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also, beer. Big fan.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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