my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize