So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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