the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
