Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
