chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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