but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
