so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
