3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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