i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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