I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
