I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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