I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
