im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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