Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
