be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
