how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
