Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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