We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Two words: nipple clamps
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