Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
