come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
