What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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