I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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