We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
