My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
