mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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