You just made me feel so damn special
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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